Saturday, January 20, 2007

Rush to judgement

From 50 Most Loathsome People in America

30. Rush Limbaugh

Charges: It’s hard to believe this repulsive shit fountain is even human, until you remember that we share 70% of our DNA with pigs. Then again, to be any more hypocritical Rush would actually have to be a member of another species. After the Democrats took congress in November, Limbaugh said he felt "liberated" because "I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don’t think deserve having their water carried," essentially telling his listeners he’d been lying to them all year. The dittoheads didn’t mind; that’s why they listen.

Exhibit A: If someone had taken a shotgun and blown Rush’s head clean off while he was wobbling his bloated body back and forth in an inconceivably cruel mockery of Michael J. Fox, whom he accused of faking his Parkinson’s symptoms for political effect, it would have been the greatest viral video of them all.

Sentence: Parkinson’s disease, of course, triggered by oxycontin abuse.

h/t Josh


Anonymous said...

36. Nancy Pelosi

Charges: Well before breaking the metaphorically clunky marble ceiling on the House floor, this Botox Bolshevik was betraying her supposed San Francisco values by sweeping the prospect of a well-deserved impeachment "off the table" and preemptively castrating the investigations she simultaneously promised. Anyone who thinks this brittle fundraising machine with the safest seat this side of North Korea is going to implement any ethics reform beyond the paltriest possible cosmetic gesture needs to lay off the medicinal marijuana. Pelosi’s reign in the House will be better than Republican golem Denny Hastert’s in the same way that gonorrhea is better than syphilis.

Exhibit A: Hasn’t debated an opponent in twenty years. A true Democrat, Pelosi literally has no balls.

Sentence: Crushed by falling chunks of broken marble ceiling.

Anonymous said...

23. William Jefferson

Charges: The only thing worse than a sleazy, thieving politician is one that gets reelected after being exposed for the turd he is. Filmed taking a suitcase full of money from FBI agents and busted with 90 large in his freezer, William Jefferson’s corruption case is the most clear-cut in American history. But in Louisiana, where bribery is an extreme sport, it’s all good apparently. "Dollar" Bill’s reelection disproves any supposed moral or intellectual superiority of Democrats.

Exhibit A: Received a standing ovation from the Congressional Black Caucus upon reelection—what the fuck is that?

Sentence: Gutted by OJ Simpson.